My children, in answer to your questions that you probably won't remember asking: "Where are you?" "Why do you have to go?" This is where I was and this is why I had to go. Someday I pray you have the gift of time, as I have had this day. If I have taught you nothing else, I would be so content knowing that you are able to spend time alone and enjoy your own company, that you feel safe enough in the world we are so blessed to live in to venture out and explore and appreciate the life we are so fortunate to live.
Got up. Took an exercise class. Came back to the hotel. Showered. Dressed. Drove to Carmel, marveling at the scenic drive. Shopped. No deadlines, except moving the car from the pay lot at 2:17 p.m. Wandered. Browsed. No deadlines. Went to a tiny tea shop for scones, tea and breakfast. Read the paper. Ate. Wandered some more. Time to move the car. Moved the car. Wandered more. Large latte. Lemon poppy seed cake. Time to drive down to the beach. Found a parking spot. Sat on the beach. Listened to the waves. Lay down. Eyes closed. Breezy. Waves crashing. Could have stayed like this for a long time. Stayed and stayed. Anxiety creeps in. Chase it away. Easy to do. Waves crashing. Breeze blowing. Warm sun, cool breeze.
Thoughts creep. Back to this moment. Alone. Happy. Then sad. Thoughts creep in. Sad year. Sad two years, actually. Back to the moment. Breathe. This is what they talk about. Centered. Focused. Calm.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 03, 2007
Last Wishes
We just returned from Florida where we attended a family wedding and carried out Ron's last wishes. I want to document this occasion so my children will have a history of significant events in their family to refer to as they try and piece together their lives at some point. I am not sure why I have a strong need to understand the history of just about everything, but particularly about family. I don't know how one can exist in this world without having a good understanding of where one fits into the bigger picture. How things happened in a family, when they happened, how people felt at the time: these are things that feels so important to me. I want my kids to have a sense of these things and yet they are too young for me to talk to them about this now. I hope one day to sit down and go over this history with each of them, so while it is fresh, I will try and capture this for them.
On Friday, August 31st we left home for Tampa, Florida. We stayed at the Don Cesar Beach Resort in St. Petersburg, Florida. We, by the way, included Andy and me, Jeremy and Dana and Nancy. We attended the wedding Saturday night. On Sunday, September 2nd, we chartered a boat out of Clearwater Marina. We took the "remains" of Ron in an urn and emptied the remains into the Gulf of Mexico about 2 miles offshore, per Ron's expressed wishes. Andy, Jeremy and Uncle Bruce, Ron's brother, emptied the urn into the water, as Nancy, Dana and I watched, feeling overwhelming grief and sadness. We took a moment, at Bruce's suggestion, to say a personal prayer. I recited the Mourner's Kaddish in my head. As the boat headed back to the harbor, a tortoise jumped out of the water and followed the boat for a bit. It was 5:30 p.m. and the sun was setting, and though it was quite hot and humid, there was a nice breeze and the sky was pretty. As we drove back to St. Pete beach we saw a big rainbow. G-d winks?
I am so grateful for the strong, beautiful Bokor woman I get to share my life with, Nancy and Dana. The only regret I have in not changing my surname, is not sharing the Bokor name with the two of them. I find it interesting that this is the first time in all the years since I have married that I have a pang of regret about not taking the Bokor name. The connection I feel with both of these woman is amazing and I love and appreciate both of them deeply.
I am also grateful for my husband and my three amazing children. My parents took care of my children for the weekend and for that I am so grateful also. They are always there for me and support me and my family in many ways both big and small.
On Friday, August 31st we left home for Tampa, Florida. We stayed at the Don Cesar Beach Resort in St. Petersburg, Florida. We, by the way, included Andy and me, Jeremy and Dana and Nancy. We attended the wedding Saturday night. On Sunday, September 2nd, we chartered a boat out of Clearwater Marina. We took the "remains" of Ron in an urn and emptied the remains into the Gulf of Mexico about 2 miles offshore, per Ron's expressed wishes. Andy, Jeremy and Uncle Bruce, Ron's brother, emptied the urn into the water, as Nancy, Dana and I watched, feeling overwhelming grief and sadness. We took a moment, at Bruce's suggestion, to say a personal prayer. I recited the Mourner's Kaddish in my head. As the boat headed back to the harbor, a tortoise jumped out of the water and followed the boat for a bit. It was 5:30 p.m. and the sun was setting, and though it was quite hot and humid, there was a nice breeze and the sky was pretty. As we drove back to St. Pete beach we saw a big rainbow. G-d winks?
I am so grateful for the strong, beautiful Bokor woman I get to share my life with, Nancy and Dana. The only regret I have in not changing my surname, is not sharing the Bokor name with the two of them. I find it interesting that this is the first time in all the years since I have married that I have a pang of regret about not taking the Bokor name. The connection I feel with both of these woman is amazing and I love and appreciate both of them deeply.
I am also grateful for my husband and my three amazing children. My parents took care of my children for the weekend and for that I am so grateful also. They are always there for me and support me and my family in many ways both big and small.
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