The Boy With A Golden Heart

The phone rings. Chaos in the kitchen as I get dinner ready and all three kids are hungry and tired and loud. Check the caller id. Tanner. Jacob's Hebrew teacher. Heart drops. Must answer. What did he do now? She begins slowly introducing herself. My heart sinks with every word as I try to anticipate what she will tell me my son has done that is offensive to her or disruptive to the class. She starts, "Jacob's behavior....." I brace myself. And she says his behavior has turned around. He is a "model" student. He is respectful of the other students and the teacher. He pays attention in class and participates. He is "a boy with a golden heart" and his golden heart is shining through. She wanted to call because so often the only call you get is when something is wrong. Wow. She just made my day. All my anxiety melts away for the moment, so I wanted to take a minute to document this moment so I can look back on it the next time my golden boy isn't so golden and remember that he really does have a golden heart, as do all children, you just have to try no to destroy them.

Another Decade

Jacob turned 10 on Friday. In his words, "Face it, woman, I am turning 10 and there is nothing you can do about it."

I am hanging on by a thread here. I don't know how I got to this place, but I am here and I am just managing to get through every day. Grief is a funny thing. It is like I never grieved for any of my grandparents and now WHAM, all at once, I am feeling a massive sense of loss all at once. How do people get through major loss in their lives and carry on? I don't know how people muddle through, but I know that they do.

I don't want to muddle through life feeling depressed and angry all the time. I want to be happy, calm and grateful for all the good in our lives.

I feel restless. I want to do more. I want to do something.

I want, I want, I want. Isn't that the problem?

I want my kids to be good people, I want them to be happy, I want them to be ethical and kind.