Glad she wears a shetl

I went to Hungarian Kosher Foods yesterday after a meeting at the Ark. I am fascinated with the Orthodox community. They are at once, very familiar to me and also completely foreign. I find myself staring at these woman trying to understand their lives and am at once completely in awe of them and then somewhat disgusted by them all at the same time. I wonder what it would feel like to be a part of this community. I have a fleeting urge to join them. I wonder how it would feel to have "self" so completely defined by Judaism, so central to my existence that it dictates how I dress, how I eat and who I associate with. Then I am envious for a second. Then I am grateful to be able to choose how I practice my Judaism. I think somebody has to be Orthodox. They represent an ideal to me, a standard of practice. But I know that it is ridiculous to idealize this community. There are all kinds of people in the every community and this community isn't the perfect ideal any more than any other community. I do love knowing that every person there on a Friday is shopping for their Shabbat dinner and the shared meaning that is associated with that. I also love walking out of the store as the grocery clerk says, "Shabbat Shalom". More to ponder: how is it that I am just now, as I approach 40, noticing how central G-d is to every single part of being Jewish? How is it that I have such an ambivalent relationship with this deity that is so central to a religion that I love? The song, "Love the one you're with" comes to mind.

I detest being judged!

Ironic that I struggle to be less judgmental and the one thing that really gets me going is being judged. Is it insecurity that gets unearthed when I feel judged? Is it because I am trying so hard to be more objective? Funny how my worlds have all collided and the sum of all I have learned since college has to do with being objective. As a reporter you are taught to be objective. As a therapist you are taught to be objective. I wonder why the two professions I have gravitated toward both have this as a basic tenet. Never really thought about that before.

Evaluation

I am so struck by the human need to constantly place a value on things. Is this something that is particular to the Jewish community or is it just something our brains do? Try and go through a day being completely neutral and objective about the world. See what happens. No judgments. No qualitative or quantitative adjectives. People seem to be in a constant state of evaluation.

Can anxiety be learned?

I wonder if I have learned to be anxious from everyone around me. I believe I used to have a calm inner core. I think it is still there somewhere, but I think I have learned anxiety if there is such a thing. I know theory says anxiety is contagious, but that is different than what I am talking about. Just a quick post to remind myself to breathe.Save Now