Glad she wears a shetl

I went to Hungarian Kosher Foods yesterday after a meeting at the Ark. I am fascinated with the Orthodox community. They are at once, very familiar to me and also completely foreign. I find myself staring at these woman trying to understand their lives and am at once completely in awe of them and then somewhat disgusted by them all at the same time. I wonder what it would feel like to be a part of this community. I have a fleeting urge to join them. I wonder how it would feel to have "self" so completely defined by Judaism, so central to my existence that it dictates how I dress, how I eat and who I associate with. Then I am envious for a second. Then I am grateful to be able to choose how I practice my Judaism. I think somebody has to be Orthodox. They represent an ideal to me, a standard of practice. But I know that it is ridiculous to idealize this community. There are all kinds of people in the every community and this community isn't the perfect ideal any more than any other community. I do love knowing that every person there on a Friday is shopping for their Shabbat dinner and the shared meaning that is associated with that. I also love walking out of the store as the grocery clerk says, "Shabbat Shalom". More to ponder: how is it that I am just now, as I approach 40, noticing how central G-d is to every single part of being Jewish? How is it that I have such an ambivalent relationship with this deity that is so central to a religion that I love? The song, "Love the one you're with" comes to mind.