The Boy With A Golden Heart

The phone rings. Chaos in the kitchen as I get dinner ready and all three kids are hungry and tired and loud. Check the caller id. Tanner. Jacob's Hebrew teacher. Heart drops. Must answer. What did he do now? She begins slowly introducing herself. My heart sinks with every word as I try to anticipate what she will tell me my son has done that is offensive to her or disruptive to the class. She starts, "Jacob's behavior....." I brace myself. And she says his behavior has turned around. He is a "model" student. He is respectful of the other students and the teacher. He pays attention in class and participates. He is "a boy with a golden heart" and his golden heart is shining through. She wanted to call because so often the only call you get is when something is wrong. Wow. She just made my day. All my anxiety melts away for the moment, so I wanted to take a minute to document this moment so I can look back on it the next time my golden boy isn't so golden and remember that he really does have a golden heart, as do all children, you just have to try no to destroy them.

Another Decade

Jacob turned 10 on Friday. In his words, "Face it, woman, I am turning 10 and there is nothing you can do about it."

I am hanging on by a thread here. I don't know how I got to this place, but I am here and I am just managing to get through every day. Grief is a funny thing. It is like I never grieved for any of my grandparents and now WHAM, all at once, I am feeling a massive sense of loss all at once. How do people get through major loss in their lives and carry on? I don't know how people muddle through, but I know that they do.

I don't want to muddle through life feeling depressed and angry all the time. I want to be happy, calm and grateful for all the good in our lives.

I feel restless. I want to do more. I want to do something.

I want, I want, I want. Isn't that the problem?

I want my kids to be good people, I want them to be happy, I want them to be ethical and kind.

My Perfect Day in Carmel

My children, in answer to your questions that you probably won't remember asking: "Where are you?" "Why do you have to go?" This is where I was and this is why I had to go. Someday I pray you have the gift of time, as I have had this day. If I have taught you nothing else, I would be so content knowing that you are able to spend time alone and enjoy your own company, that you feel safe enough in the world we are so blessed to live in to venture out and explore and appreciate the life we are so fortunate to live.

Got up. Took an exercise class. Came back to the hotel. Showered. Dressed. Drove to Carmel, marveling at the scenic drive. Shopped. No deadlines, except moving the car from the pay lot at 2:17 p.m. Wandered. Browsed. No deadlines. Went to a tiny tea shop for scones, tea and breakfast. Read the paper. Ate. Wandered some more. Time to move the car. Moved the car. Wandered more. Large latte. Lemon poppy seed cake. Time to drive down to the beach. Found a parking spot. Sat on the beach. Listened to the waves. Lay down. Eyes closed. Breezy. Waves crashing. Could have stayed like this for a long time. Stayed and stayed. Anxiety creeps in. Chase it away. Easy to do. Waves crashing. Breeze blowing. Warm sun, cool breeze.

Thoughts creep. Back to this moment. Alone. Happy. Then sad. Thoughts creep in. Sad year. Sad two years, actually. Back to the moment. Breathe. This is what they talk about. Centered. Focused. Calm.

Last Wishes

We just returned from Florida where we attended a family wedding and carried out Ron's last wishes. I want to document this occasion so my children will have a history of significant events in their family to refer to as they try and piece together their lives at some point. I am not sure why I have a strong need to understand the history of just about everything, but particularly about family. I don't know how one can exist in this world without having a good understanding of where one fits into the bigger picture. How things happened in a family, when they happened, how people felt at the time: these are things that feels so important to me. I want my kids to have a sense of these things and yet they are too young for me to talk to them about this now. I hope one day to sit down and go over this history with each of them, so while it is fresh, I will try and capture this for them.

On Friday, August 31st we left home for Tampa, Florida. We stayed at the Don Cesar Beach Resort in St. Petersburg, Florida. We, by the way, included Andy and me, Jeremy and Dana and Nancy. We attended the wedding Saturday night. On Sunday, September 2nd, we chartered a boat out of Clearwater Marina. We took the "remains" of Ron in an urn and emptied the remains into the Gulf of Mexico about 2 miles offshore, per Ron's expressed wishes. Andy, Jeremy and Uncle Bruce, Ron's brother, emptied the urn into the water, as Nancy, Dana and I watched, feeling overwhelming grief and sadness. We took a moment, at Bruce's suggestion, to say a personal prayer. I recited the Mourner's Kaddish in my head. As the boat headed back to the harbor, a tortoise jumped out of the water and followed the boat for a bit. It was 5:30 p.m. and the sun was setting, and though it was quite hot and humid, there was a nice breeze and the sky was pretty. As we drove back to St. Pete beach we saw a big rainbow. G-d winks?

I am so grateful for the strong, beautiful Bokor woman I get to share my life with, Nancy and Dana. The only regret I have in not changing my surname, is not sharing the Bokor name with the two of them. I find it interesting that this is the first time in all the years since I have married that I have a pang of regret about not taking the Bokor name. The connection I feel with both of these woman is amazing and I love and appreciate both of them deeply.

I am also grateful for my husband and my three amazing children. My parents took care of my children for the weekend and for that I am so grateful also. They are always there for me and support me and my family in many ways both big and small.

Why Blog?

I just had a thought. I am blogging because I want my kids to get a glimpse of who I am. Of course they know I am their mother, but I want them to have some way of knowing what I was thinking while they were busy growing up. I also want them to have a tool for understanding the emotional process in our family as they were growing up. I have much to write in this department. I don't want to them to spend years in therapy trying to understand some inner turmoil, though they are free to do so if they chose. I just hope they chose a good systems thinker as their therapist. And then I hope this blog will serve as a resource in their struggle. If I do my job well, my children will have a healthy respect for emotional process and a good awareness of the importance of maintaining self in the world. More on this another time.

Getting Objective

In May, I completed a two year training program in Bowen Family Systems Theory. (See link to the Bowen Center for more information.) Since then, I have been on a mission to incorporate this theory into my day to day life. Basically, my two major goals have been to keep levels of anxiety in my family low and to get more objective about my family, including my family of origin, my nuclear family and the family I am married into.

My understanding of "getting neutral" and/or objective in one's family has to do with removing one's self from the emotional process and seeing things more clearly in a way that is not clouded by feelings. This is a fascinating and somewhat elusive process, as most of us operate from a feeling state much of the time. I must say that since I have started working on this, my own state of being has fluctuated. I am, at times, more calm. I am, at times, filled with rage. I am, at other times, struck by how difficult it is to understand my own brain and how and why it works the way it does.

One of the things I have been struggling with on a regular basis of late has to do with the fact that so few people in the world that I live in seem to struggle with anything. Then I struggle with feeling so judgemental. Do I need to feel that I am one of only a few people who are thinking in order to boost my sense of self? Probably. So I am working on accepting people, all people, for who they are and trying to get more objective about all people in the world.

It is hard to imagine how many thoughts fly through my head on a daily basis. I sense an impending "mid-life" crisis.

I am forcing myself to write because I know that deep down I am probably a frustrated writer.

Jacob Reads Torah for the First Time

Jacob read Torah for the first time today. A milestone. It is so easy to forget these fleeting moments. Thoughts/moments I'd like to remember:
Waking up in the morning hearing him chanting his parsha, practicing diligently.
His pride and excitement at the accomplishment.
The lessons of learning Torah are many. I hope they follow him for the rest of his life and I hope he gets curious about the meaning of it all. I realize that in my efforts to transmit religion to my children, much can get lost in the process. I don't ever want them to feel a disconnect between their spirituality and Jewish identity and how it relates to our family and WHY it is so important to me.